And so begins two days of testing. They call it staging, in other words, how bad is it? Or, when will you die? First is a blood test. We go to a local clinic before dropping Mr 20 months to childcare. He rampages around the waiting room as my partner shepherds him towards toys. I … Read more

“I’m starting the chemotherapy now” says the nurse, interrupting me, my eyes closed, headphones deeply clamped to my ears, head freezing from a cold cap designed to reduce chemotherapy damage to my hair follicles. I barely acknowledge her, but the tears start to roll again. I don’t watch as the poisons start to drip. This … Read more

Weaning has been hard. Very hard. On both of us. Things are easing, but this has been the hardest part so far. Tonight for the first time my toddler reached for his father to cuddle him to sleep instead of me. This has been his pattern for the last three weeks. He clearly told me … Read more

My baby’s hands snake over my breasts like a lover’s, stroking and caressing. We dance together in this, our ritual, begun minutes after he was born. He can find his target by instinct, in the dark, half asleep. He has practice. He has motivation. His questing hand becomes more insistent, grasping my nipple. He tweaks … Read more

“Your hair is beautiful Mummy” says Mr 6, as I strap him into the car in the evening light. “When the sun shines through it, it’s like gold.”

“I think you’ve got a breast cancer” said the radiologist, after she spread the sample she’d taken from my breast and lymph nodes on slides. She turned away attending to their samples. “I always tell people if they ask” she said, defensively. “Oh, thank you for being honest” I said, whilst thinking “how odd, “a” … Read more

Washing in the shower, I feel a lump on my armpit. “Curious” I think, “That’s a lymph node”. I’ve never felt one there before. I finish up my shower, mentioning it to my partner. “Are any other nodes up?” he asks, “Are you sick?” Well of course I am, I have small children, and I’m … Read more

“Boobs…” said my five year old, leaning contentedly on my chest “are just pillows of milk.” I smiled, what a beautiful innocent thought. My breasts, once feeding and comforting my now five year old, and again now, nurturing and growing my new baby, who was firmly and contentedly attached. “Boobs are just pillows of milk” … Read more